12 Years of Christmas

It’s been twelve years since I’ve journeyed through attending the Dawn Mass/Simbang Gabi/Mesa de Gallo. I remember it very well that I was in my fourth grade in elementary back then and I usually end up sleeping during the priest’s homily. ^. ^ Nothing to be proud of, but everything to be told about. It was primarily what I do inside the Church. Sleep. It was a dramatic process I tell you, and if you’re one to get easily bored, then this is not the right material to read. :P The process was a metamorphosis. At one point, my grandmother was the one waking me up, 12 years back, but now, I’m the one doing that disturbing sound at her door to wake her up. As I perceive it, this year (2013) might be my last year to celebrate the Advent season by attending the Novena (it’s considered a one since it’s 9 days of prayer and the Holy Mass is considered as the highest form of prayer.) So let me grab this chance to share to you what I’ve experienced and what I realized in coming to terms with my religious beliefs and how I exactly I perceive my being a Roman Catholic.

On my 12 years of Christmas, my True Love sent to me so many blessings. Help me count them to twelve.

On my first year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Obedience.

There’s no denying that the greatest temptation for me as a child and even now as an adult is sleeping during the mass. Aside from the fact that I had to wake up as early as 3am (the mass starts at 4am in our place and there’s a fair walking distance from our place to the Church), I can’t even sleep early to cope up with my normal sleeping hours—8 hours per day that is. My grandmother introduced me to the Dawn Mass. It was twelve years ago that she would persistently wake me up at 3am so we can prepare ourselves for the mass. One issue is the limited seats. We have a huge parish church, that I can tell you, it’s just that there’s too many people in our place so if you’d wish to sleep listen well during the mass, you have to secure your seat yo’. There were times when I would actually lock my room’s door so I can barely hear grandma screaming to wake me up. HAHA. But that didn’t work for her, too bad. I would hesitantly wake up and do what I have to do—take a bath and dress up. I’m not really as unwilling as I seemed, I just love sleeping. But all the more, I love granny. And bearing with the whole process, it was just okay, because I’ve grown to look up to her and obey her. Perhaps it was one of the best things my parents have actually taught me: to really value the time I have with granny and every moment I make her happy. I must be honest; I didn’t have my first taste of the novena for the love of the Advent season, but for the love of granny. Getting disappointed with myself was way better than letting myself disappoint granny.

On my second year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Perseverance.

I’d like to admit that I’ve gotten over the previous year’s struggle. YAAAYY! It was all and because granny told me about the Christmas wish that God will actually grant if I’d be able to complete the Novena wholeheartedly. ASDFGHJKL I was so into the point of so much regret why I wasted my last year’s wish and why I was so hesitant to wake up! That was the reason why I was so hyped up during my second year and I wished for so many things (none of which I can remember right now). Well more often than not, this has been our tendency as humans. If we get something out of anything we do, we go for it, otherwise, we don’t. I saw the multitude of people and it was then that I understood why they (generally) could bear waking up early and not having to enjoy a seat; perhaps because they’re asking something from Him too, and it was worth the sacrifice. (This was my personal perception back then) I still took some stolen naps in between every mass but I was more serious in one portion of it; during the communion—because it was when I would pray to Daddy Lord what I wanted for my Christmas wish. Granny told me to do that very day for 9 days, and maybe, just maybe, my wish will come true.

On my third year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Respect.

Same routine. Same lame purpose- for a self-driven wish. But I’ve had more challenges this year than I expected. Perhaps because it’s how every challenge should be, to make the reward fulfilling. Okay. Very well then. I’d like to share that portion of my quest that included the strong winds and cruel rain while walking towards the Church. My umbrella would literally flip over lol but that didn’t deter me. I thrived towards conquering the rains and ended up wet by the time *we arrived at our destination. The cold breeze would perfect my frozen delight version and my heroic journey would seem convincingly real. HOHOHO! Plus, the community population has now dramatically increased to the nth power that we literally sit from shoulder to shoulder and there’s a struggle to move your muscles (once in a while to shake of the cold) because your seatmates will really appreciate it when you do not interrupt their sleep. On top of that, during the middle of the mass, my seatmate would sometimes take my bony shoulder as a very comfortable pillow and that makes me feel so much better! Grrrrr but amidst the struggle, the goodness in me (weh?!) would actually tolerate that. I would just look up above and hope that the level of respect I’d be willing to give would actually give me plus points for my wish this year to come true. *.^

*We- may include my granny, my childhood friend Donna, her granny and me (it just depends)

On my fourth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Hope.

This was during my first year in high school. I couldn’t recall much about my Simbang Gabi experience, but one thing was that it actually fueled me to always better myself in terms of my studies, especially that I belonged to an extraordinary science high school and I have to maintain a grade to continually enjoy the perks of being a weird science geek (ngek). Hope it was- that things will actually get better, and that if ever I’m doing what is right or if ever I’m doing it for the right reasons (referring to the Dawn Mass), I hope He’d understand and I hope I’d be in the right path soon. The gospel goes the same every year, but the priest’s homily gets a different content of course. It was in this point though, that I started questioning the ritual that I’m doing though I didn’t preoccupy myself with that since I had so many things to bother me- things like crushes but more on things about science, I must admit. :3

On my fifth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Courage.

The constant view I had ever since the beginning was the Church altar with the noticeable Christmas wreath imbued with three purple candles and a pink one. (We usually sit at the front row except when we come in late) Purple reminds me of this year- a year that just got tougher. Requirements became more complicated. Can you imagine that there’s like three math subjects we have to deal with? And that there’s like an increasing population of good-looking distractions? Oh well, my point is, life has just become more challenging and that I had more things to ask for this Advent season. More importantly, I sought for courage. Courage to do the things I’m most scared of-math, courage to face the crowd- stage fright, and courage to trust more friends since this is my sophomore year and having a strong support system at school is like an A+ on my social life. My education was very important for me and I really took it very seriously, I tell you. I just had a few serious stares at that Christmas wreath and tried to convince myself that my courage should be as resilient as those candles in front of me—no matter how strong the breeze, they never get blown up.

On my sixth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Charity.

This year, I realized that God has been very good to me. I usually end up saving some of my school allowance so the total amount I saved for the entire school year, I get a portion of it to buy gifts to my younger cousins. This was the Christmas year when I started my tradition of giving gifts (I am so thrifty to tell you and this is the only time of the year when I am willing to shake off 4-digit bills to buy goodies and give them to my cousins). Also, this was the year when my parents no longer gave me a Christmas present and my name was no longer found among the gifts at the foot of our Christmas tree. I must admit it was tough, and I actually thought it was my saddest Christmas because I had to let go of that ‘receiving’ notion and take a huge leap towards that mature ‘giving’ tradition. Still, my Novena participation with granny went on and having to come in good terms with my God was comforting, perhaps, I was thinking, He’d be happy seeing me share something to others every year.

On my seventh year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Humility.

This year’s quest was more noble and more reasonable. It was then my fourth and last year in high school and I really prayed hard to Daddy Lord to grant me a scholarship so I could go to college for free and so that mom would not labor so much for the family and that dad’s medications would be well taken care of. This year’s wish—I’m proud to recall, came true and he actually game me the best scholarship offer anyone can have (in my opinion). The same things happened over and over again. Only that I sang more attentively and that I seemed less sleepy. This year, and in this novena, I was more eager and more optimistic. I have become more submissive to God’s will, admitting that only He can make wonders for me and that I am nothing without Him. But I cannot tell you that I fully understood what the Dawn Mass was truly for.

On my eighth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Wisdom.

“The fear of the Lord is the Instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.” – Psalms 15:33

There’s nothing much to recall this year. Only that I prayed and wished for the obvious things in my life-my scholarship, good health, etc. and that I became more mature in asking things from Him. December- which would be the preliminary exams month for the second semester would actually make me feel down and blue and weak. I usually have a damp mood during the Simbang Gabi days. Perhaps because I get less sleep and more things to do- wake up very early at 3am and suffer the entire prelims week due to horrific exams. But of course, the physical and mental challenge did not stop me. Last year, he taught me humility, this year he gave me just enough wisdom to understand what is rightful to do in any circumstance.

On my ninth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Commitment.

The year of truth and awakening. I remember so well how unexpectedly God woke me up to reality. I was in my very usual Dawn Mass routine with some annoying headache every day that it actually hindered me to listen well to the homily. It was that one day which I can still recall- the 20th of December, the 5th dawn mass this year. Granny told me the night before that she will be missing out on the mass that day because she was not feeling well.  I dozed off so late the previous night that I woke up around 5am. It was the worst thing that can happen to someone who mastered the art of hiding the cellphone so that to stop the alarm, you have to literally stand up and grab it and push that “shut up button’’.  As an exception to the many days of stand-grab-push ritual, I missed all of that today. Yes, today. Adrenaline was all over my body and I didn’t take a bath (yikes) and just dressed up and found myself running like a mad person. Thoughts in my mind jumbled and I was so angry at myself and I was praying to God and hoping I was just dreaming and that it was just still around 3am, and that my Christmas wish this year might still come true, and that I am so willing to bear all the headaches in the world, just take me back in time and that I was asdfghjkl stupid why I didn’t hear my phone or maybe it just didn’t ring just as how it was supposed to …and then I ended up at the Church gate, in front of the Church altar, right in front of the priest, as he was doing the gesture of raising the Holy Eucharist and I was chasing my breathing. I saw everyone bowing down and that instance was just so dramatic that I literally struggled to stop myself from crying. The cold breeze of December blew up all the thoughts in my mind and all I could hear were the words "..Kini ang Akong Lawas nga itugyan alang kaninyo." [“..This is My Body, which will be given up for you.”]

And then, peace.

Little by little, I understood how I was so blinded by sheer selfishness. I misunderstood the true meaning behind every mass I attended for so many years now. It was all about Christ—that one true Son of God who made Himself man to show His love for us, and I refused to see that, or at least forget that very strong reality every now and then. I shouldn’t go and attend the Dawn Mass celebration just because there’s this asdfghjkl wish that MIGHT come true or because I obey granny, or because the wish itself is a noble cause. I should take that sacrifice of missing some hours of sleep for that wonderful time of the year, to remember the best gift that God has made available to man- and that is His only Son. It was that moment when I saw and felt in my heart how such powerful God can make Himself available for us through a vulnerable Baby in a cold night. I’ve ventured towards being a frozen delight for many years now to for ask so many things, yet God has only ask of me one thing—and that is to see Him in every encounter, in every mass I attend in any given day and in everything I do. I also realized that even if I don’t get to complete the 9 awesome days of worship, I don’t become less loved by Him. I’m really out of words to really explain what has gotten into me that moment, I’m not even sure if I’ve made my point for you. The truth is, your faith in Christ, your faith in your Church, as a people, must, at all cost, fundamentally come from you. It’s the most personal thing in the spiritual aspect of your life, yet it must be very evident in your deeds. No preacher, no amount of persuasion can be enough to convince you and in the same way, a feeble proposition is already enough to change your mind, if there’s just that small peck of WILLINGNESS to believe in your heart.

“Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord.” Yes, I didn’t complete the 9 days, not even the entire mass for that matter, but for the first time I’ve never felt more fulfilled and more eager to say; “thanks be to God.”

Instead of giving up my quest, the incident inspired, and in the subsequent days, the pain in my head every dawn was felt no more.

On my tenth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Empathy.

This year, granny told me not to wake her up if it will be raining. Thanks to last year, I became more committed to take part of the Dawn Mass despite that granny won't be coming with me. Unbelievably, the outpour of rain was ineffable this year and I was not that updated to weather forecasts so I didn’t know about the Sendong storm that was coming and the enormous amount of water that would change CDO’s history, forever. I was awakened by my alarm and the strong rain by my window pane. After I was ready, I slowly closed the main door and struggled through my way towards the main road to get myself a ride towards the Church. I waited for around 15 minutes and there was just nothing on the street, just plain, simple deafening silence and total darkness. The outpour of rain slowed down and when I was about to decide to walk, a man riding on his motorcycle offered me a ride. Perhaps I looked like a wet chicken on the sidewalk so he took pity on me. lol There was no time for pakipot, so I was like; “Sure ka kuya?” then he said “ sure lagi, hali!” And so I said agad-agad “salamat kuya!” and hopped in. It wasn’t the first time I had to share a ride in a motorcycle with a stranger. In fact, ALL the rides in a motorcycle in my life were with a stranger. I don’t know, when desperate moment comes, it just happens. I didn’t get to see kuya’s face or even a hint of it, I was just thankful that I was given a free-ride by a stranger towards worshiping God. Little did I know that not far away, thousands of people would be too happy to get a safe ride from a stranger, just to get them out of that cruel water that washed away almost everything from them and burnt almost every virtue within.

I celebrated the mass with noticeably lesser people than the usual and went home straight to my bed and took a nap. A loud conversation between my grandmother and my dad woke me up around 9am about the news spread all over our place. The radio was so loud too, but the words it said was far too disturbing than the noise that curtailed my sleep. There were so many versions  of the story, and I was most thankful that me and my family was safe that night so I don’t really have much to share in this blog about it, except that my home—Cagayan de Oro City was betrayed by what seems to be just an ordinary storm every December. It was a thief in the night. It stole almost everything, except the One in our hearts that no calamity can take away from us while we live- Christ. For every father who lost his family, who struggled to move one body over another just to see if anyone of his kin can still be found, for every broken mother who relentlessly went to every funeral parlor, trying to end the oblivion of life or death in her,  for every weeping child who, at an early age, felt the worst sense any child could feel at his age---being lost, alone in the midst of chaos and anguish, there was Christ, indeed there He was.

Outreach programs, people from all over the country reached out for a helping hand, and who would have thought it would take a storm to realize we have billions of pesos to be willingly given to those in need? I was just wondering, why just now? Had poverty been existent ever since when? But then, there was no time to question anyone for anything. We just had to feel, to empathize and to make those saddened individuals believe that there is still hope. There is still Christ.

On my eleventh year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me Faith.

Haven’t I told you that the Accountancy program was not a test of wisdom but a test of faith? This year, I had only one thing to ask from God for Christmas: that He may grant that I end up where I have to end up for His greater glory. Yes, I wanted to graduate, of course I aim to be a CPA at the end of the journey, but really, would these things make me happy? How will I know? Who am I to know what lies ahead? And so I prayed and for the four years of college struggle, with all glory and failures, with my faith in Him, the end of the chapter for this part of my life has recently been concluded by the Almighty. :’) AMDG

On my twelfth year of Christmas, my True Love sent to me a Sense of Purpose.

To be honest, this has been the most selfless year for me in dedicating my time to attend Simbang Gabi. I decided to make the best out of my time since I am still jobless HAHA >.< and so, as a way of thanking God for giving me the people around me and for letting things turn out as they are, I have committed myself to the novena. I am still in the midst of my novena mass devotion. (Isn’t it so much better heard than as a “novena mass routine or quest?”) I am about to take another challenge and write another chapter for the story of my life. Since I may not be able to have another chance next year, might as well make the best out of it this year! ^.* It was a gradual yet fulfilling process indeed. I had so many doubts and questions at the beginning, but God answered them all, in His time. I do not have a clear vision of who I will become years from now, I mean, who does? But I am most assured that my Father up there will always enlighten me and guide me to the right path, for as long as I trust in Him completely.