It's my last day at twenty and I never expected to feel so bad today. I planned to go to the mall to watch a movie, have a cup of tea afterwards, and perhaps meet people I know at random. None of those happened. I wast stuck at home and I was struggling to perfect my passport-size-do-it-yourself-photography and I lost my temper like crazy. I didn't opt to go to photo houses because I wanted to have the best angle and the best smile and the best everything for my license ID (which you cannot have there since their photoshoot availability is limited). So I ended up here in my blog, trying to vent out whatever disappointment is left for the rest of my "already ruined day"----I'm sorry. This is just the most spontaneous blog entry I've ever had so far and I'm just writing down what I have in mind as is. -_-
I have this tendency to get easily absorbed by pessimism that's why I constantly strive to surround myself with positive people. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I honestly find my mom as something like a fountain of negativity and my dad as a waterfall of silence. My sister is too young to meddle with my burdens and I don't want her to end up like me someday; negative and bitter. So it's like; when things go wrong, I'm always left alone in my room, crying or listening to some music as if it was written for me all along. I miss my friends, but then I also don't wanna be too dependent, I wanna have a job but I guess it's not yet time for it. I've been through so many interviews, may it be on skype, over the phone, and personal interviews and up to now, no company has ever notified me if I'm hired already or otherwise. This leads me to thinking that I am still single up to now for the record, and maybe I'm just not as interesting or attractive or whatever you call those nice girls who have this what you call girlfriend-material. So maybe I should really start thinking about growing up independently, positively and open to the fact of dying a virgin with my adopted kids.
I'm sorry. Again. Maybe most, if not all of you right now might be thinking that I'm just one heck of a girl who doesn't know how to wait and can't even manage to accept things as they are. Probably you're right. Or maybe you're also thinking this is just another piece of self-pity composition that I might probably erase days later after I get over these things. And perhaps I'm just wrong all along. Maybe I'll get hired someday or I'll get to end up with prince charming next month, or next year, and maybe I'd get to accept how adorable my mom's pessimism is and my dad's way of letting me grow through his silence and my sissy's awesome ways to make me laugh, let alone the fact that she doesn't have a clue of what I'm going through. Yea, perhaps that argument will work someday.
But you know what, I know one thing. I know that from day one to this very moment, I always TRIED. And I will never get TIRED of trying to understand, to believe, to hope and to keep calm despite of all the paranoia in my head. I'm gonna keep on trying because that's what I've always been doing and I got to where I am right now because of that undying pursuit of holding on, continually encouraging myself to take another step forward and that no matter where I'd end up with, I'm sure it's a place where I'd end up happy.
For the last time, forgive me. I never expected that a slight piss-off moment due to photographing myself in formal attire could cause a melo-dramatic blog entry like this. HAHA ^.* [this is me in my bipolar state now]
So, if you're one of those people who can really control their emotions and keep those for themselves as if nothing's been EVUUUUR wrong in their lives, bless you. You are one of a kind. I hope you can share that gift to those people who need so much optimism, those people who have nothing but has to have something to start with, people who need enlightenment and a sense of hope. However, if you're the type who's just so weak to handle life's daily cruelty and someone who needs someone else to talk to, and who always find themselves crying, don't worry. That's okay even if everything's not okay. You are not alone. Well, at least now you know me, I for one share the same sentiment with you ;) well, I'm not saying that just because you have loads of people around the world like you, everything's gonna be awesome in life. My point is, there are a lot of us, so many of us in this world, and yet we still choose to live, to wake up every morning and move on...not just move on but move forward. :')
And because of that, let me kiss you.
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